I get it, and I had also wondered about this: How often do most couples have sex? Are we having too little sex? Underlying beneath this are the questions: Are we normal? Am I normal?
First of all, you are for sure normal! There is nothing wrong with you, and you are doing nothing wrong when it comes to sex and intimacy. There is no normal or right amount couples should have sex. In fact, the only 2 “shoulds” when it comes to sex are: Sex should be consensual, and Sex should not have unwanted pain.
If you absolutely desire to have an average number to benchmark, here it is: Couples in long term monogamous relationships have sex an average of once a week. What’s more interesting is the range of healthy and happy answers and frequencies- it’s huge! To give you an idea: couples report a super satisfying sex life while having a total of 8 instances of sexual intercourse in one year. So it’s pretty clear it really about quality over quantity!
It’s also common for couples who start having sex more often than this, to have seasons of dry spells, and lots of couples who have infrequent sex might not even share this with anyone. So really, there’s no way of knowing and there’s no such thing as “normal”.
The right amount of sex to have in your relationships is the amount that feels right for you, measured by all the people in the relationship feeling fulfilled, connected and sexually satisfied. You are the expert on you and your relationship. Together you get to decide. In some seasons of life it might be more, in others less. Really, Pleasure is the Measure.
However if you’re wanting to kick it up a notch, here’s 3 things you can do:
1.) Share with your partner your longing to feel closer and more connected:
And you can suggest, with loving vulnerability, that you both carve out a designated special time every week (or whatever frequency works for you) for physical intimacy. You can look for a space that works well for both, and even schedule it in your agendas. This time is not exclusively for sex, it can be for cuddles, massage or anything physical. It might lead to sex, but it also could be a moment to reconnect when life gets busy, as it always does.
2.) Create a self pleasure practice on your own:
Intimacy with another person begins with intimacy with yourself. Self intimacy involves exploring your own pleasure and body first, so that you can then bring a partner or lover into the equation. If you don’t know what you enjoy and what kind of touch brings you pleasure, then you won’t be able to show and ask your partner the right way to touch and pleasure you. This might lead to less than stellar sex, or even blame. But good sex starts with the self responsability for your own pleasure + desires.
Create rituals where you connect and enjoy your body on your own. This might be through masturbation, and it could also be in a non sexual way, through activities you enjoy and doing things that feel good or fun for you.
3.) Get Relationship Support so that you can inject more spice & variety into your sex life:
You might have to first remove some blocks to emotional connection, or work through vulnerable communication first to really understand your sexual needs and desires. Getting information or even working with a professional Relationship or Sex Coach will help you cultivate clarity and connection in your relationship, so you can then inject more variety and play into your sex life.